2006-03-20T16:49:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was the first time in ages that I actually had nothing on my mind but fucking. It had been a long time since I'd woken up with sex on the brain and couldn't think about anything else. It's been a pretty shitty summer for me and even though I was enjoying my sex life as much as ever, it was taking me longer to shift gears. I was often stressed and preoccupied and it would take me longer than usual to get into "fuck" mode. Yesterday morning, I woke up with a wet pussy in an empty bed and dusted off my favorite dildo to pleasure myself until Ted was available.

I have always preferred dildos to vibrators and I've always been especially averse to vibrators that have one of those clit-stimulating protrusions, like the Rabbit vibrator that gained such popularity when it was pimped on Sex And The City a few years ago. I know a lot of women who adore them but they've never been my cup of tea. I like a lot of indirect clitoral stimulation. I like the tease of a dildo pressing against my clit or pressing against my hole, pushing to get inside. I like being able to hold the dildo in my hands, close my eyes, manufacture a fantasy and imagine myself being teased and prodded. I like to imagine myself wanting that cock inside me. I like to imagine myself reluctantly taking it into my mouth and sucking it. I like to imagine a man's cock pressing against my pussy and pounding me with it. With a dildo, I find I can re-create the sensations better and more realistically than I can with a vibrator.

To me, a huge part of the fun in sex is working hard for that orgasm -- trying to maneuver myself in such a way that the guy's cock is hitting me where I'm most sensitive, holding myself as still as possible when I feel the orgasm building, feeling frustrated (and yet unbelievably turned on and ravenous) when the guy's cock accidentally slips out or he shifts his position or he changes his rhythm. With my dildo, I can tease myself just the way I like it and work myself towards a mind-numbing cum. And now that I own a couple of those cyberskin dildos -- which I cannot recommend enough!!! -- I find the teasing and sucking and fucking feels all the more real. It's the first dildo I've owned that feels so similar to a man's cock that I get wet at the most inopportune times just remembering how delicious it felt to cup the balls in my hand and run my tongue around its head.

So I took out the dildo and played with it for a long, long time and teased myself until my pussy was so wet that I could barely feel the dildo inside me any more, and then I came once -- but one of those orgasms that explodes so ferociously that it's almost painful. I ~love~ those orgasms. When I have one of those orgasms, I feel drained and exhausted and content and usually roll around and fall right back into a deep, deep sleep. Instead, I took a shower, masturbated in the shower, came again and immediately called Ted to see what his plans were for the day. He started reciting a litany of errands he had to run -- "And then I have to pick up two suits at the dry cleaners, and I have to bring my watch to the jeweller's, and then ..." -- but I interrupted him and said, bluntly, "I'm so fucking horny I can't see straight. I already fucked myself with the dildo. I masturbated in the shower. I'm still just fucking HORNY!" Ted paused and I could ~see~ the smile on his face when he said, "Put the phone up to your cunt and let me hear how wet you are." I put the phone between my legs and slid two fingers inside myself, moving them around so he could hear the wetness being spread over my pussy lips. He laughed: "You fucking bitch! I'll be there in half an hour!"

More like twenty minutes ;-)

I was still wearing nothing but my robe when Ted came over. He kissed me and immediately put a hand between my thighs. He slid a finger inside me and with his other hand, started to unzip his pants. He continued to finger-fuck me while he took my hand and put it on his cock. "See what you do to me?" he said. I looked down and saw that his cock was rock hard. He took me by the sash of my robe and brought me into the bedroom, sitting me down on the edge of the bed. "Suck me, cunt," he said. I took his cock into my mouth -- Mmmm, it felt so big, so fucking hard, so ready to explode -- and rolled my tongue around the head, building up the saliva in my mouth so that when I slid down on the length of his cock, my mouth would feel like a wet cunt. I felt his hand on the back of my head, pushing me to take it in even deeper, then I felt his other hand on my head, moving me to suck him in the rhythm that he liked, fucking my face for a few long, deep strokes and then releasing me long enough that I could get some air. I love it when his cock is so hard that it feels too big for my mouth and throat. It's the kind of cocksucking that's every bit as pleasurable for me as it is for him, and it's in the midst of that kind of cocksucking that I only need to tease my clit for a few seconds before I cum.

Ted knows this. He can sense it. He knows when I'm getting off on sucking his cock. He knows that some of my most intense orgasms happen when I'm sucking his cock, playing with myself and then I cum with his cock pushed deep inside my mouth. That's why, yesterday, he knew it was only making me hornier when he took a fist full of my hair in one hand, grabbed my chin with the other and force-fed me his cock -- as deep and as hard as he wanted it.

Ted took his cock out of my mouth, stood me up and turned me around. With the sash from my robe, he tied my hands behind my back. He took a silky scarf from my drawer and gagged me with it -- tight enough that I couldn't speak but not so tight that I'd feel panicky or nervous. He brought me over to the arm chair in my bedroom and bent me over it so that my forehead was against the pillow and my ass was in the air. Without a word, he used another scarf to tie my legs together at the thighs, tightly enough that my legs couldn't be spread. He stepped back and I could hear him stroking himself as he admired the vulnerable position he had put me in. "You dirty fucking cunt," he said, still stroking himself. "I'm going to fuck you. I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want to that dirty cunt because it's mine! I own it, whore. Understand?"

I nodded and tried to move my head enough so that I could enjoy the sight of him stroking himself, but no matter what I did or how I moved, I couldn't see him. Finally, I felt him next to me. He spread my ass cheeks as much as he could -- which wasn't much, considering my thighs were bound so tightly. "You need something in there," he said, and returned a moment later with the dildo. He pushed it against my thighs, trying to find my pussy with the head, trying to force it inside. I felt myself straining against it, wanting to take it in -- but my thighs were bound so tightly that all he could manage was to press the head of the dildo hard against my cunt. I tried to wriggle as much as I could to loosen the scarf around my thighs but Ted stopped me with a sharp, stinging slap on my ass. "Do. Not. Move!" he said. "Don't try to get free. If you do, I'm walking out of here. No cock for you. I'll bring the dildo with me." He took me by my hair and pulled my face off the chair. "Do you want to get fucked?" he asked. I nodded. Ted laid my forehead back down against the chair: "Then be quiet and work on making yourself nice and wet so this dick will slide in you."

Ted continued to press the dildo against my pussy. It was erotic and frustrating. Or erotic because it ~was~ frustrating? I pressed myself against the head and willed my pussy to open up, willed my thighs to soften so that the dildo could work itself inside me, but I knew that Ted was right: the only way the dildo would get inside me was if I was so soaking wet. I concentrated on the sensations of a few minutes earlier -- of his cock in my mouth, the idea of cumming hard with his cock in my mouth. I concentrated on the helpless, sexy sensation of feeling helpless and horny and wanting to be fucked. I concentrated on the feeling of Ted being in control and I relaxed into it. I focused on relaxing my thighs. I focused on making my pussy wet. Ted continued to press the dildo against me and finally I felt the head yielding to my wetness. Just the head. Then a little more.

Ted laughed, as he always seems to do when I'm being a real slut. It's not a mocking laugh or a mean laugh. It's more of a "Eureka!" laugh -- the type of thing you might find yourself doing if you won a poker hand you were sure you'd lost. I can sense in his laugh that I'm doing something he was sure I'd never do. Or maybe laughing at his own power over me, which still surprises and pleases him. "Mmm, motherfucking cunt!" he laughed. "That's it, whore. Get your cunt all wet. Make some juices!"

The sound of Ted's voice has always been an aphrodisiac to me, but especially when I'm feeling helpless and submissive and I want cock inside me so badly that I'll do (just about) anything he asks of me. I just got wetter and wetter, thinking of how much pleasure this was bringing Ted, and finally -- despite the tightly-bound thighs -- I felt the dildo slip inside of me. Ted slid it in as deep as it would go and ordered me to clench my pussy as hard as I could to keep it in place. I heard him sit on the bed and stroke his cock. "Damn! You look like such a fucking slut," he said. He stroked himself some more and then came back to me, sliding the dildo in and out of me, fucking me hard with it. He pulled it out and pressed it against my asshole: "You made this thing so fucking wet, I bet it could slide inside your asshole without any lube at all." To tease me, he pressed the dildo against my asshole and sure enough, I could feel myself yielding to it. It was wet, yes, but not quite wet enough for more than the very tip of the dildo's head to penetrate my hole. "How does that feel, cunt?" he asked. "Does that feel good?" I whimpered out a yes as best I could with my mouth gagged and he pressed it against my asshole even harder. "Push up against it, cunt," he said. "Show me how badly your asshole wants to be filled with cock." I pushed against the dildo but my asshole wouldn't yield any more. It was just as well. The ~threat~ of anal sex is always more arousing to me than actual ass play itself.

With the tip of the dildo still pressed against my asshole, Ted finally moved his cock to my pussy, rubbing and teasing it. "You want a little at a time?" he asked, teasing me with the head. "Or do you want me to just stick it inside you and fuck you as hard as I can?" he asked, plunging his cock deep inside me. I was moaning and pleading through the gag and Ted responded by pulling his cock out and pressing the dildo harder against my asshole. "Shut. The. Fuck. Up!" he said. "This is ~my~ pussy and I'll do whatever the fuck I want to it, whenever I want." He put the dildo aside, spread my ass cheeks and pussy as wide as he could and then shoved his cock inside me and fucked me with long, hard, painful strokes -- EXACTLY what I wanted and was craving. He fucked me hard, his hands on my hips, his fingernails pressing into my skin. He fucked my cunt like he was fucking my face: using his hands to ram ME harder on his cock. I was so fucking ready to cum and Ted noticed all of the signals.

"DO IT," he demanded. "Do it, you fucking cunt!"

So I let go and came. It doesn't happen often, but there are some orgasms so powerful that I can FEEL my juices flooding around his cock and dripping onto my thighs. It's the closest to squirting that I'll ever come, and it feels great. Ted fucked me harder as I came, calling me a cunt and a whore, until he pulled his cock out of me and came all over my back and ass cheeks.

It took us both a minute or so to recuperate, and then he lovingly wiped his cum off of me with tissues and finished off with a warm, wet washcloth. He kissed my back, undid the scarves around my wrists and thighs and finally took the makeshift gag from my mouth. As he always does after we play this way, he laid me on the bed and rubbed my neck,, my back, my arms and legs -- all the while asking me over and over again, "Are you SURE you're okay? No kinks anywhere? Does your neck hurt?" I assured him that I felt fine but confided in him that I didn't feel like going anywhere: "I don't want to get up. I just feel like staying in bed now." Ted kissed me and chuckled: "Then don't GO anywhere, babe. Just stay in bed. It's Saturday. You're allowed." So I did. I snuggled up with my oversized pillow and fell into another half-sleep, barely noticing as Ted got dressed and headed off to run his errands.

It was a LONG overdue day for me. I really missed cumming hard. I missed being so horny. I missed not having anything else on my mind but sex and cock, cock and sex. I think Ted enjoyed it a lot, too -- not just for the obvious reasons, but because he ~has~ noticed my distraction and he ~has~ missed knowing that I have nothing on my mind but his cock. Best of all, not only did I have several great orgasms, I also got caught up on a LOT of sleep that I just honestly haven't gotten lately.

Now, I've been asked a couple of questions from readers that I really wanted to answer today but it's gotten late and writing about my morning with Ted turned me on more than I thought it would. Remind me to answer the questions another time. Right now, all I want to do is feel some cyberskin against me ...

;-)

Posted by Suzi @ 11:44:00 PM (0) comments

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9/26/2005

I'm back. Sort of.

As usual, I don't have enough time to write about everything I would ~like~ to write about, but I set aside one hour to try to get this blog up to speed so that, time permitting, I can get back into swing of things.

I checked the date on my last post -- early June?? -- and I spent most of my spare time today trying to encapsulate everything that's happened in the intervening weeks. This may be a little rag-tag (I'm rusty, dammit!) so forgive the haphazardness of this post.

First, I want to thank ~EVERYONE~ who has emailed me since I last blogged. Your emails of concern and caring meant the world to me and even though I may not have replied, your demands for me to come back did not go unnoticed :-) I want to thank you for your kindness and for hanging in there and going over (and over and over, apparently ;-) the archives during my absence. I think a popular misconception is that someone like me would get primarily emails demanding cyber-sex or live encounters but the truth is, I get requests to post more pictures but more than anything, I get very sweet emails from people who feel they know me better than they actually do (which I understand and which is fine), who express a concern for my well-being that even some people in my ~real~ life wouldn't deign to express. That meant a lot in the past few weeks.

Without going into too many details, this has been both a great and a horrible summer. I don't think I've ever been as emotionally drained as I've been in the past few weeks. I found out at the beginning of the summer that someone whom I love with all of my heart had a psychological problem that I can honestly and truly say I was unaware she had. In hindsight and with the benefit of 20/20, of course I can see that there were significant warning signs but still, you could have knocked me over with a feather when I found out about it. In short: I got a phone call from a mutual friend that this dear friend of mine was in the hospital after doing something incredibly self-destructive. When you love someone as much as I love this person, and you hear something like that, your world just ends. I heard people say that "time stood still" and I always thought that was a load of bullshit, but -- time really ~did~ seem to stand still.

The reason I don't want to get into the specifics of it is ~not~ because I'm afraid she will be "found out" but because hers is a very serious and yet common disorder/problem (much to my surprise) and I don't want anyone who Googles the subject to end up at A Cumwhore's Diary. If there's even the most MINUTE chance that discussing it here would trivialize the problem, I don't want to do it. If it was a drug or alcohol problem, I'd share in a heartbeat.

Suffice to say, it took me a very long time to come to terms with her disorder and to cope with all of the emotions that came ~with~ that discovery: Why didn't I do something? How come I didn't know? Why did I think she was joking about this when she was really using humor as a way of ~telling~ me she had a problem? How could she do this to herself? How could she do this to me and everyone who loves her? And most importantly: How do I give support and love and show patience to someone towards whom I'm harboring so much anger right now? I only just VERY recently started to come to terms with it. I attend a support group for people who live with or have family members or are close to others who have this particular disorder. I did see a therapist for a brief while this summer, more to learn about WHY my friend is doing this to herself than to vent my frustration over not being able to help her or just make her STOP. I'm okay now. The shock of it is over. I love her. I'm there for her. I'm not angry as often. I'm not depressed as often. I don't find myself worrying about her as much as I did in the beginning. I'm understanding her illness more and more and it's not consuming my life any more.

If I believed that Ted was my soulmate ~before~ this started, I am now more convinced of it than ever.

But where to begin with ~that~ story?

Okay, I'll start here: Ted flew out here right before this disaster with my friend started to unfold, and unbeknownst to me, was here on business ~and~ to hook up with his former boss. Apparently they had been talking back and forth about the possibility of Ted moving back here and working for his former company again. Ted dropped hints here and there ("What would you think if I moved back?" "What did you think of that old boss of mine?") but I knew he was homesick and missing me and not really enjoying his new job as much as he thought he would, so I didn't really pay much attention. Sure enough, Ted was asked to come back only his role in the company would be very different. Before, he traveled constantly to consult with various companies and organizations; this time around, Ted would remain in the city for three weeks of every month, working with local clientele, and have one week a month at the company's headquarters in another city. I'm sure Ted pressed for that kind of an arrangement. The non-stop traveling was one of the key reasons he took the other job in the first place.

But before Ted could share the great news with me, my friend was in crisis. I was thrilled when Ted gave me the news and told him that ~of course~ he could stay with me. Under different circumstances, it would have been a fuckfest of a summer, but with so much on my mind, I found it very hard to focus on Ted. It was in the middle of ~not~ focusing on him that I realized just how perfectly suited we are for one another. One thing I noticed above all else is how little space Ted took up, even though he arrived with tons of suitcases and had just as many boxes shipped to my house. One day I said to Ted, "You know what's really strange? I honestly haven't noticed you here. And I mean that in a ~good~ way. There was never a box in my way. Your clothes were never in my way."

It was so nice to be able to come home at the end of the day, knowing he would either be there waiting for me OR would be home shortly himself. It was nice to cry and not feel that I had to put up a front. It was nice to be held and kissed and hugged and cuddled with no expectation on his part of it leading to anything more. We did have more than a few nights of great fucking, but it was his effortless emotional support that meant the most to me and had the biggest impact. I just woke up one day and thought, "That's it. This guy is perfect for me."

Since then, Ted has moved into his own apartment -- within walking distance from mine :-) As much as we love one another and as well as we get along, we both want privacy. We either had to move into a new apartment big enough for the two of us or get separate places. Ted decided (rightly so) that I was in no emotional shape to undertake packing and moving my things, so he found a cute little two-bedroom place in my neighborhood and didn't tell me about it until we drove to the storage place and started packing up a moving truck with his furniture. It was the perfect decision to make. We're together most of the week, but if I work late or he works late, we can unwind on our own. If one of us is in a fucking mood, we call the other person and it takes about 5 minutes to get from door to door.

My hour is up, and I'm going to upload this. But for your patience, here's (in my never-humble opinion) a KICK-ASS picture of my cum-soaked mouth, taken just a few nights ago. It won't be the last picture I upload, so don't harass me for more. Let me get back into the swing of things first, okay? And then I promise there will be more :-)

Until the next time ...

Posted by Suzi @ 10:48:00 PM (0) comments

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6/7/2005

I can't believe how long it's been since I last blogged :-/

Sadly, I'm not blogging today, either. I'm just stopping by in a rare moment of quiet to let you all know that there are just too many things happening in my life right now -- both professionally and personally -- for me to update at this time. I'm in the middle of a personal crisis with someone very, very dear to me while also trying to remember what on earth made me think my career was more important than the people I love. Since I've been determined, from day one, to make this a sex blog and not discuss my personal life, that doesn't leave me many options right now. I either have to blog about sex (which I've been having, but which seems secondary right now) or I'd have to get into my personal life (which I absolutely refuse to do).

So instead, I'm going to ask for your patience. One of these days, I'll be back to update you all on my life.

Ciao!

Posted by Suzi @ 7:45:00 AM (0) comments

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5/17/2005

I have no time to blog, but I ~do~ have time to upload some pictures that should answer the question, "How was your week with Ted?"

Scroll down and enjoy! More to come later!

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Posted by Suzi @ 7:14:00 PM (0) comments

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4/28/2005

Ten days since I last blogged? I should be ashamed of myself! :-/

When I started updating this blog a few months ago, it was during a period where I swore I would get my life prioritized -- or maybe compartmentalized would be a better word for it. I was going to be at the gym from this time to this time, at work from this time to that time, etc -- and no matter what, I would blog faithfully on every Monday and Thursday evening to distract myself from the stresses of the week. Needless to say, that sounded great in theory but didn't actually work out the way I'd intended. I'm partly just too tired these days to write anything, and since I don't blog about my job except in generalities, there was nothing much for me to say. To make a long story short (and generic), there were some changes made at work in the past week that nobody foresaw, including Boss -- who was left quite suddenly with the unenviable task of having to replace two people at work who, it turns out, were "working for the enemy" and had steered a couple of clients to a competitor. Bad, bad, bad. As a result, not only am I still doing what I am paid to do, I'm doing a lot of stopgapping at work that's keeping me at the office later than I care to be. I'm hardly a martyr -- I ~am~ being paid extremely well for the overtime -- but I'm starting to feel the effects of the stress and tension.

When I got home on Friday night, I literally unplugged every phone from the wall in my apartment, crawled into bed without even taking my make-up off and slept until past noon on Saturday. I didn't check my emails or re-plug the phone until Sunday night, at which point I was greeted with several frantic messages from Ted ("Are you DEAD?") and a few reminders from people at work about things that needed to be done ASAP on Monday morning. I spent Saturday in bed. I rented some DVDs and paid a cab to pick them up for me and drop them off at my apartment. I ordered in. I was still so brutally tired on Sunday night that I couldn't even ~fathom~ having to wake up and go to work on Monday -- and yet I did. Went in an hour early and didn't get home until past midnight that night. Next morning: same thing. I didn't even get to see rock poseur Constantine get booted off of American Idol -- a moment I'd been waiting for with rapt anticipation :-( Alert Suzi would have set the DVR to record this, of course, but Half-Dead Suzi can't even seem to work a microwave any more.

But enough whining.

I wish I had a lot of tantalizing stories to share with you, but I have nothing sexy to report. Ted is flying in tomorrow night and staying until next Sunday: he's actually in the city on business and has a lush hotel room at his disposal, all paid for by his company. He's urging me to pack up a bag and go treat myself to a week in the lap of luxury with him while I'm urging him to come stay with me and play house for that week. Either way, I'm really looking forward to being with him again and cannot ~wait~ for him to arrive! We're still logging far too many hours on the phone and far too little in bed :-( I hear his voice on the phone and get so wet at the sound of it, and yet I find myself yawning into the phone and even drifting off into sleep while we're talking. I'm sick of conversations that start with him saying, "If I was there now, I would .." and end with, "... but I'm not." Next week is going to be great. Even if I'm too tired for sex, it will be wonderful to fall asleep in his arms or fall asleep while he's rubbing my back and shoulders.

I've been working late hours with a younger male employee at the office who is ~not~ my type, to whom I'm only superficially attracted and who lacks the maturity and experience that I like in a man. And yet, late at night, in the office, I'll catch a glimpse of him when it's gotten really late and decorum has gone out the window. He'll already have his tie and blazer off and his sleeves will be rolled up to his elbows, his hair will be a little messy, his eyes will be a bleary and unfocused -- and I'll find myself wondering just how severely reprimanded I would be if I laid down on a desk with my legs spread, had him fuck me and then roll over and fall asleep with my head in my Outgoing tray.

But I wouldn't want to add to Boss' stress right now.

Still, a good, hard fuck is exactly what I'm in the mood for now. I'm just glad Ted will be here before I can get myself into any kind of trouble.

Patience, people! I'll be back to blogging more regularly at some point ... ;-)

Posted by Suzi @ 8:42:00 PM (0) comments

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4/18/2005

I wish I had more energy to blog these days, but I'm back to putting in absurdly long hours at work. By the time I get home and eat, I just want to check my email (and I promise you all, I ~will~ reply one day!), call Ted and then call it a night. I'm being paid time and a half, which you would think would ease the burden of being away from the comforts of home so much -- but alas, it doesn't :-/ I intended to recuperate over the weekend but instead found myself throwing all the windows open, cranking up the stereo and cleaning out all of my closets.

I called Ted last night and complained about being horny and yet too tired to masturbate and he told me to sit comfortably and let him guide me through it. I snapped at him, "No, you don't get it: I'm too tired!" but I laid down on my bed and removed my panties, per his request, and cupped my pussy in my hand, almost ~willing~ it to react despite my exhaustion. I didn't cum, but Ted did manage to relax me completely. "If I was there, I'd lick you to sleep," he chuckled. I replied with a yawn and told him not to take anything personally. "I'm just tired," I repeated. "Yeah, I heard that," he said with a laugh. I hung up the phone and drifted into a deep sleep and woke up this morning with a deep, deep desire to smash my alarm clock into a million pieces. I'm being paid well for my time but I told Boss today that I'd forfeit the goddamned overtime pay if I could get all those hours paid to me in vacation time.

Hint, hint!

The best I can do for you tonight is pass along some pictures that Ted passed along, again taken from the collection of pictures and video clips we accumulated while he was here. First, two pictures of me sucking his cock. The second one is actually my favorite, because I can see Ted's hand on his cock, holding it straight and I can hear him telling me to take it in my throat until my lips touched his hand. I wish I could have shared the pictures of me taking his cock in progressively deeper into my mouth until it disappeared but the closer my lips got to his balls, the more my face and eyes were visible. I'll have to work on that ;-)

And finally, a too-small shot of me with drops of cum on my tits. As you can tell by the t-shirt I'm wearing, it was a spontaneous blow job for which I wasn't properly (un)dressed ;-)

Ted said that he's attempting to get some video grabs where my face isn't visible but when he's holding the video camera, the thing he wants (and loves) most is to shoot me while I'm looking into the camera. Maybe there are a few random seconds where my eyes aren't visible. I'm sure he's more than happy to watch the clips over and over again in a quest to find those eye-less bits of video.

Did I mention that I'm tired?

I thought so ...

Posted by Suzi @ 9:39:00 PM (0) comments

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4/12/2005

(Pssst, cumshot pics will follow the text so if you're impatient, you may want to scroll ahead ;-)

Ted and I had a long talk last night and I'm finding myself getting my hopes up over something that may turn into nothing. I had initially called Ted in a fit of unbridled excitement over something that happened at work that day and my babbling was greeted with a less-than-enthusiastic response. When I asked him what was wrong, he said, "You just like your job way more than I like mine, and I miss that." I've known for a while that Ted doesn't enjoy his job much. He often said that he "sacrificed enjoyment for money." In other words, he traded in a job that was physically demanding but right up his alley for a job that requires far less of him but pays him an obscene amount of money.

We talked and talked and the more we talked, the more often Ted made noises about wanting to get his old job back (which would be easy; they'd KILL to have him back) and moving back here. My heart skipped a few beats and I must have stayed quiet longer than I meant to because Ted finally said, "Suz?" in that "Are you still there?" voice. I'm always afraid to express any kind of opinion in those situations. If I was spontaneous, I'd blurt out how much I'd love for him to quit his job and move back here. Then I start thinking about how responsible I'd feel if he came back and decided he didn't like it here after all. Or if things didn't ultimately work out between us. So I tend to just keep quiet and wait. This isn't the first time he's mentioned it and he hasn't quit his job yet, so a part of me refuses to believe it will ever happen.

We talked about this blog, too. I don't know how often Ted reads it. If he reads it regularly, I sure can't tell from our conversations. Sometimes he'll be genuinely surprised if I make a comment about the blog; at other times, he'll say, "Yeah, I read that one" and offer a comment or two about it.

Ted doesn't have any problem with me sharing pictures of myself because obviously they're edited to the point where I'm not recognizable. Or at least not recognizable ~enough~ that if someone wandered in here, they'd immediately know it was me. If he has issues with the blog, it's that he feels I'm doing something for free that I should be getting paid for. That's where I differ. There's a glut of sex blogs, a glut of free porn sites, gateway sites, etc. I'm barely able to keep up with blogging on a regular basis, and I have zero interest in turning this blog into an at-best marginally profitable website. I don't want ads on this blog. I don't want any of that stuff.

I like the fact that I have a loyal audience, many of whom have been with me since I first began posting. I appeal to men who love cocksucking stories and I'm fine with that. To appeal to a wider audience, I'd have to start making stuff up to satisfy a wider audience -- and I like the cocksucking fetishists who cum come in here every day to see what I've been up to. I like the occasional links that drive tons of visitors to my blog (and I'm thrilled that so many of those new visitors bookmark me and come back again and again). I have the money to afford my own web-hosting (Midphase rules, btw) and I don't feel any pressure to blog on a daily basis. If I turn try to turn this blog into a business, all the fun will be drained out of it. The whole reason for doing this blog -- for my own personal satisfaction, more than anything else -- would change. I don't want A Cumwhore's Diary to become yet another thing in my life that I feel pressure to perfect. I try to write in a sexy and interesting manner about what happens in my life, but if it fails to get you off, no harm done, right? You didn't ~pay~ to come here, right? ;-)

I like that freedom and I want to keep that freedom.

Ted still doesn't get why I want to keep this all very loose and easy, but not long after we hung up, he sent me an email with the following screen grabs from the video clip we shot when he was here, with a message saying that he was sure my readers would enjoy them. So without further delay -- and without costing you a fucking dime :-p -- here are some cumshot pictures of yours truly. Enjoy!

Have a great night, all! :-)

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